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Today's Daily Health Tip
Arguments as Training
by Beth Levine     Anyone who has ever lived through it can tell you that one of the most challenging and exhausting aspects of parenting is clashing with teenagers. Your previously sweet and accommodating child has turned into a difficult, argumentative teen... seemingly overnight. But now, new research has found that those arguments can be a very good thing... if you handle them correctly.
The study, which took place at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, shows that differences of opinion between parents and teens are totally normal, but the way a parent handles them can potentially benefit or harm the child. In the short term, these fights can teach teenagers how to handle peer pressure and be independent thinkers. Over the long term, they can prepare teens for a lifetime of getting along with others in romantic relationships, at work, and with friends.
The researchers interviewed 157 typical 13-year-olds and asked them to describe what they tend to argue about most with their parents. The most frequently mentioned topics were grades in school, money, friends, and responsibilities around the home. These interviews were all videotaped, and afterward the tape was shown to the parent and teenager together.
The parents who were the most positive role models about arguing set the right tone immediately by suggesting a discussion of the teen's complaints on the tape. Other parents were more uncomfortable, displaying such reactions as eye rolling or laughing over their teenager's comments on tape. They expressed no interest in talking the matter through.
All of the teens were brought back for follow-up interviews when they were 15 or 16 years old. The children whose parents had initiated an argument/discussion about their complaints in the earlier segment were much more confident and persuasive with their peers, as they had learned to be with their parents. They were more inclined to comfortably disagree with peers and turn down an offer of drugs or alcohol. The study found they were, in fact, 40 percent more likely to say no than were their peers who did not engage in arguments with their parents. Note: we're talking about give and take arguments -- exchanges of ideas -- not yelling at each other in an attempt to override an opinion.
The teens who didn't get to argue/discuss as 13-year-olds were still not fighting with their parents several years later. They expressed resignation, saying it wasn't worth the trouble, and backed off from the subject at hand. And these teenagers were much more likely to go with the flow with their peers as well, preferring to accept offers of drugs or alcohol rather than rocking the boat and potentially starting an argument with a friend.
So whether they felt safe and comfortable arguing with a parent translated directly to whether the teenager would feel the same way disagreeing with a friend. It comes down to really listening to your child's thoughts and feelings and respecting them, even if you completely disagree. Your teenager will learn respect from the way you model it, and you will earn his or her respect right back.
While no one relishes the thought of increasing the number of arguments, when your child is willing to argue with you at least you are keeping the lines of communication open. It's almost impossible to know what is going on in the head or the life of a teen who has shut down and stopped talking with their parents. Which is particularly scary when you consider the high rates of mental health issues among teenagers today. A 2010 study at San Diego State University found that six percent of high school and college students are clinically depressed and 31 percent have an anxiety disorder. Suicide now ranks as the third leading cause of death among those aged 15 to 24, with the rate having tripled since 1970.
Therefore, it's essential to work hard at listening, discussing, and yes, even arguing with your teenager. And just as you would help them study to get into a better college, teach them etiquette so they can handle social interactions, and encourage them to try their best and adopt a work ethic, so should you argue/discuss as much as necessary to help them negotiate with others in their teen years and beyond.
For another look at issues facing today's teens, click here.
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